When they eventually become overwhelmed by stimuli and their nervous system reaches its highest level of tension, they often lash out at their partner. Arguments arise over seemingly small things. He is in the way, or he is “doing nothing,” and she feels completely misunderstood.

The man, who has no idea what has suddenly happened, steps into the game of ping-pong and dutifully joins in the battle of who will score the winning point.

While in reality, the woman at that moment simply wants to release tension, regulate herself, and land

All he really needs to do is be present and hold her

Some time ago, a video went viral featuring footage from the 48th season of the American reality show Survivor (CBS, 2025). In these images, contestant Joe Hunter helps fellow participant Eva Erickson, who has autism, regain her balance during an intense moment of overstimulation.

The video received a great deal of praise. It highlighted the power of co-regulation — something that, in many Western countries, seemed to have been almost erased from our culture. Babies were expected to cry themselves to sleep. “What you learn early lasts forever,” people would say. Children were not supposed to be angry, and teenagers were expected to figure everything out on their own.

Add to this the physically absent father and the emotionally absent mother, and it is not surprising that many adults today have no idea how to regulate their nervous systems. Let alone sense when someone else might need co-regulation.

Even worse is the fact that we rarely ask for it anymore

The result is that many women long for a man who can be their grounding presence — they desire that calm, earthy masculine energy — yet they often do not dare or are unable to express this need because they believe they must do everything on their own. Instead of voicing their needs, the serpent rises up, and the rest is familiar.

This dynamic also applies to men, though it tends to manifest differently. Men often withdraw. They freeze. They harden. Out of fear of not being good enough again, or of doing something wrong once more. And when their own need to be seen surfaces somewhere underneath, it is often expressed through the know-it-all who chooses the wrong moment to lecture the other.

Neither of them has learned that co-regulation — needing each other and aligning our energetic systems with one another — is essential for a healthy relationship and for balancing our nervous systems.

In the arms of a man, a woman can soften, relax, and land.

In her arms, he can open.

My invitation is therefore this: can we normalize co-regulation among adults again?

With babies, co-sleeping is slowly returning. They are comforted and held when they cry or feel restless. The emotions and overstimulation of children are once again given space and support, and there is more understanding for teenagers as well.

Co-regulation among adults is a powerful way to relax both our individual and collective nervous systems and to bring our society back into a state of ease.

We need each other. And that is allowed.

Thank God we do not have to do it alone.

If we can remove that pain, we will have gained an entire world

With love,

Eveline van Dongen
www.innertreasure.nl